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Never write a fucking novel, you idiot. I was happy with my life until I did. And then as soon as it published, everything turned to shit flavored frozen rain. And this is the most important thing… Whatever you do, never write a goddamn successful novel, you fucking idiot! ***** As you might have expected, I speak from personal experience. And now, in the time honored tradition of shitty novelists everywhere, I am going to take you all the way back to the beginning, whether you want it or not. I grew up the last of a family of six kids in a frightening little neighborhood of South Philly. I mean, this was the kind of neighborhood that you don’t want your kid walking through, not to mention growing up. But for some reason, which I still don’t understand, the kids in my neighborhood grew up successful. Maybe it was the extra fucking lead we had in the water. Who knows? Two neighbors older than me ended up becoming congressmen. The fat kid who lived in the house behind me, he’s the. " In the closet was a denim jacket that I had put there right after I decided on the song. In its left pocket was a pair of dark horn-rimmed sunglasses. In the room, I even had an unopened bottle of Vitalis that I had snagged at a drugstore. Even back in the 1970s, it was a relic, although it wasn't impossible to find it in the stores. I rubbed the slick stuff through my hair and combed my hair into a 1950s style pompadour. I looked like a greaser from that era.I looked in the mirror and was satisfied with the effect.I ran back to the studio, closing the door, and then I turned on the DND light.Sherry started giggling when she saw my new persona.I smiled at her and put my finger to my lips as I started the recorder. I heard my acoustic piano track start the intro, and started to sing:Oh... Well... I'm the type of guyThat'll never settle down.Where pretty girls are, Well, you know that I'm around.I kiss 'em and I hug 'em, 'Cause to me they're all the same.I hug 'em and I squeeze.
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